Freaks and Geeks

PDA gets on my fucking nerves. Stop stroking each other!

I'm confused approximately 95% of the time. If I don't look confused I'm faking a calm exterior. 
Now that I'm back in Greenville, I'm confused approximately 99% of the time. If I don't look confused, its a miracle. 

Where the opposite sex is involved, I'm confused 100% of the time. Fuck.

I'm looking in from the backseat. "Do you remember..." God I can't relate to ANYTHING anyone's saying. "Our last summer as independents?" I can't help but think I'm better off riding bikes than people, considering. "I want to squeeze your thighs, I want to kiss your eyelids, and corrupt your dreams." 'Human behavior' is such a mirage. No one wants to admit they're fragmented. Fucked. Up. "I want to turn you on, I want to make you come 200 times a day." Intermittently a car will pass. "I notice someone has built a house for no bird in particular."
I roll my eyes for the umpteenth time. It's a pretty day, I guess. Blue with a scattered tuft or two. I think I see a person walking on the shoulder but its only a memorial cross. I can't really speak today. I've tried, but everything comes out broken, so I don't try anymore. Rolling the window down makes it hard to breathe and I kind of like it. 

Remember that time when everything fell apart and you were sent after me and we sat under that tree in plain sight and you held me through it? Well I know people change and I guess you just have to remember old things to help you get through new things, but that's not enough for me. None of this seems right...
I don't know where to go from here. I'm really confused and I know I've been absent this Summer and that's made it worse and I feel this disconnect from everything, even my family and they treat me like a guest now and I just need someone to hold me under a tree again. 

"I drove home in the California dusk.
I could feel the alcohol inside of me.
Home.
Picture the look on my stepfather's face,
ready for the bad things to come.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."

I've decided that one becomes a woman when she starts wanting table cloths and aprons and potted plants above the kitchen sink. So I guess I'm a woman now. But... I also want a grill. What am I now?

It's a funny sentiment, me working 9 hour days- in a surgeon's office, of all places. I've never thought myself fit for the 'professional' world just because it doesn't interest me to surround myself with it's hooplah. I feel like I'm back at school, looking out the windows and waiting for a bell to set me free. On the upside, I'm required to wear royal blue scrubs, which I love because it takes the guesswork out of getting dressed in the morning, as if that's a challenging task... By the end of the summer I should have some juicy stories centered around office politic and an interesting blend of personalities.

Drunk by 6, sober by 7, heavy.

I remember the look on your faces when we got into our separate cars and told our secrets.

"Why'd he leave her? She has so much soul." As if I have ANYTHING to offer. 

It stopped because I couldn't give what was needed to sustain it. It's hard to admit inadequacies.

 Sometimes, on windy days, I think the sun's rays are blown away.

I've never had to fight the urge to jump into the Tar River with more determination than that day.
"I don't want to die. I just want to float," I thought. Must've spat into the river a thousand times before I realized I was being watched.

Wind reaches behind my ear and tugs the hair tucked there. It whips around and spirals towards the open sunroof. I haven't tucked it back yet, and I won't. 

I let you go. And you came back. On the floor...

 The meaning of life is plastic.
Hey buttholes, plastic.
The world plus plastic.

 I've missed them all. Damn it feels good to be home... even if it is only for a few days.
The sunlight always dances into my room here perfectly...

Thursday: Spazz house show (Bird Names & Detroit)... Walked back around 2 and went to get a pita from the pit, where two guys try to pick us up with knowledge of the 10k in their trunk. I'm swooning! Not.

Friday: Howlies show at Stockholm house... Went with Garrett and saw a lot of old friends. Handed a half box of PBR and somehow left with a free hat. Made some friends in the bathroom line.

Saturday: Birthday party- lame, but ended up in the back room of Ham's where I was given a 21+ bracelet and free draft beer all night. Ordered a few white russians for the hell of it. Walked to the Spazz afterwards.

Saturday during the day, my parents came to visit, have lunch, etc. and upon entering the car, my mom smelled my breath and called me out on my drunken night adventures. I came clean and we all had a good laugh (Unexpected).


Still don't know how I feel about certain things, namely relationships. Fuck life for being so utterly confusing. 

 Some choice moments from college life, freshman year.

 I got in my car and we screamed.

If who I am now could meet who I was this time 2008, who I am now would kick who I was' ass.

Carla was right.
We're all doing the same thing here. We're all motifs in the same pattern- do well in high school, go to college, you're released into the world, you've met someone, be successful, get married, etc. All with the promise of a peaceful retirement. I don't feel like doing this anymore... now what?

I just remembered today that my dad used to live in a white house with a lot of rooms and a lot of happy memories that I can't find anymore.

I got photos back from grandmother's funeral and every one of them is blurred if not only slightly recognizable. 

I'm trying to not deprive myself anymore of what makes me happy.